Anders the Rascal
by Jessmaster14
Summary: Anders has proven himself slightly useful, but after the chantry incident, he can no longer be trusted. Fortunately, Hawke has a plan.


So, one night, in conversation, this idea popped into our heads. It was just far too good to pass up. Enjoy

The fact that I am writing a fanfiction should give you an idea on just how likely it is that I own the rights to Dragon Age

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><p>There it was; a giant explosion that tore through the chantry. I guess Anders' insane ranting probably should have tipped me off, but hey? When have I ever paid attention to anything Anders has said? And I already threw all his manifestos into the fireplace, so, in hindsight that was also probably a bad idea. Hell, the only reason I ever kept him around was because he was such a talented healer. Even now, I could hear him whining about taking away compromises or something. Sensing the severity of the situation, I gathered together all the moxy I could, and came up with the single most sarcastic rant I have ever uttered. And that's saying a lot.<p>

"Oh Anders, you rascal!" I exclaimed, dripping with insincere charm.

"The mages are…wait, what?" Anders asked, apparently very confused with this sudden outburst.

"You blew up the chantry? Oh, gosh, you were always such a wild card!" I said, slowly getting louder, "I mean, dozens of innocents are dead, and the only person capable of stopping this bloodbath has been completely disintegrated, but hey, mages will be mages!"

"I only-" Anders interjected, before being cut off.

"Also, I'm sure you just murdered more than a few orphans in there, you scamp!"

"But I-"

"And now, I'm left to clean up your mess for you, you rapscallion. Again." I replied, my voice completely devoid of emotion on the last word.

"Ok, you're angry with me" Anders said cautiously

"Oh, I'm not angry, I just think that my mind has finally snapped from the sheer amount of horse shit you've put me through. I mean, for Maker's sake, it's bad enough I have to deal with your angsty speeches on what seems on a daily basis, but now you've actually done it!"

"Well I…wait, why do you say that like you never actually expected me to do it?" Anders asked

"Because I never expected you to actually do it?" I replied

"But…but…I've been hinting at this for weeks! Didn't you notice the frequency of my angsty speeches increased? What about my new dark robes? My ominous lines?"

"If you think I've spent more than five seconds thinking about you in the last month, you are giving yourself far too much credit." I deadpanned

"The world needs to see this. Then we can all stop pretending the Circle is a solution. And if I pay for that with my life, then I pay. Perhaps then Justice would at least be free."

"This is against my better judgment, but you're slightly more useful to me alive than dead" I said with a sigh

"You mean, stay with you?" he said

"Sure, whatever, fine. But Maker help me, If you utter so much as one word of an angsty speech, I will gut you myself"

"I didn't think you'd let me. But if you do…I'll fight the Templars. Damned right I will." He said, standing up

"Careful, that was starting to sound dangerously close to a-" I started

"No, you cannot let this abomination walk free" Sebastian said, "He dies, or I am returning to Starkhaven. And I will bring such an army with me-"

" 'Kay, whatever, bye"

"You can't stop-wait, what?"

"I said goodbye. Shoo. Get out of here. I really don't care." I said

"Just…just like that? You're not even going to-"

"Less talky, more walky!" I said, raising my voice. Sebastian left, looking more confused than angry at this point.

"Okay team" I said, turning to aforementioned team "I know you may not all agree with-wait, where's Fenris?" I asked, suddenly noticing a distinct lack of elvin broodiness in my nearby vicinity.

"Oh, he left with Sebastian, said something about helping Meredith fight you" answered Varric.

"I can say with complete assurance that he will be missed even less than Sebastian." I replied "Now team, I understand that you may be concerned with my decision regarding Anders. I realize that while he can help us, we certainly cannot trust him. So, to that end, I have a plan. It is possibly the most devious and cunning plan I have ever developed"

There was then a very audible gulp from Anders.

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><p>"Anders, we need healing!" I shouted over the din of battle.<p>

"On it!" Anders yelled back from the large plank of wood he was currently tied to. Both his chest and his legs were strapped to the wood, completely immobilizing him. It was very pathetic, but equally funny. Lifting the one arm that was not tied to the wood, he cast a healing spell over Aveline, who was currently punching three Templars in the face at the same time.

Unfortunately, one of the Templars noticed him, and pushed him to the ground. Then the other Templars gathered around him, kicking his prostrate form. I was almost tempted to join them, but I wasn't going to risk losing my only healer. Grudgingly, I sliced them off him with my blades. After a moment of making fun of him, I helped him up. He attempted awkwardly to hop over to me, but only managed one hop before falling flat on his face. I decided to roll him over, and then leave.

After a great deal of fighting, and a lot of healing from Anders in his current wood-bound state, we dispatched the remaining Templars in the area.

"Good work team!" I shouted "Now let's move out! We need to get to the Gallows before it's too late! Aveline, get Anders!"

"On it Hawke" she replied, reaching down to the towing rope attached to the wood Anders was currently tied to and proceeding to drag it through the streets of Kirkwall.

"Is this really necessary?" Anders asked, while being dragged through the third pile of horse manure in the last minute.

"Gee, why don't we ask the Revered Mother if this is necessary?" I asked, proceeding to put one hand next to my ear, and leaning to my right. Only the distant sounds of battle were heard.

"She says yes"

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><p>Read. Review. Review while reading. Read while reviewing. Read this, and make sweet, sweet, review with the story.<p> 


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